I'm Not Going to Write You A Love Song

10. The envy stares

9. The teeny underwear

8. Mirrors will become your friend

7. New clothing sizes

6. Itsy bitsy teeny weeny bikinis

5. Interested boys

4. Summer ‘11 will be your best summer yet

3. You will feel and look beautiful

2.  You won’t spend your time obsessing over other girls bodies

1. You can yell “MOTHER FUCKER I DID IT” and mean it.

forever reblog!

(Source: 15poundstosummer, via takechances-noregrets)

So you would think that after awhile things would just bounce off of me like I didn’t care, right? But somehow there is still something on my mind that I can’t stop thinking about. I have recently been through a breakup and I can’t believe that it happened to me. First I was devastated and now I realize that I was in an abusive relationship. The two main reasons I was broken up with was because I am “fat” and “stupid”. There were problems throughout our relationship but I didn’t realize that you were allowed to have friends. When he was at his frat parties, I was at home waiting for him to come back and entertain me because I wasn’t allowed to have friends without getting into trouble with him. Sexually, if I didn’t do what HE wanted then I was being “selfish” and that would make him feel like he was just too good for me. The only reason why I stayed around was because I thought that no one would ever love me again and he promised that he would marry me someday and to be honest I am so glad that we never went down that road.I want to share my story (there will be bits and pieces throughout my time of healing that will be about this little situation I got myself into, so don’t you worry…) with you guys so that you can understand that life throws us curve balls but we can totally overcome it. I have survived by talking to my friends and family and also by becoming more active in the community. I hope I can make a difference in just one person’s life when they read the next part of my story. It may be difficult to read but I am a very open person and I wish that someone could have impacted me in a positive way before I did one of the stupidest things of my life.

Five days after my breakup was one of the darkest days of my life. I remember standing over the sink at my house and watching blood glide down my arm as if I were watching it in slow motion. I was crying, one of my contacts had fallen down the drain and yet I felt like I could see everything so clearly. I remember one of my roommates coming into the kitchen and she asked me how my day was just to try and make sure that I was okay. I had hid the knife in my pocket and pulled down the sleeve of my ratty old UCD sweatshirt. I remember the second I heard her door close, I was on for round number two. I took the knife and jabbed it into my porcelain white skin. I remember a rush of something come over me. I felt alive and free so I kept going as deep as I physically could. After that short lived high wore off, I stumbled to bed and woke up the nest morning in a pile of my blood. I had cut my wrist a little too deep and was still bleeding in the morning which was unfortunate because I had to go to work. I had been feeling under the weather for a couple of days and I wasn’t sure why exactly that was but when I got to work and I smelled the fries, I had to toss my cookies. It was later that night that i found out that I was “with child” or as I liked to call it, the demon seed. I was upset and so I called my ex to try and figure things out but he somehow didn’t believe a word I was saying… I am not surprised now but I certainly was then. After taking the test I freaked out yet somehow a little miracle happened, well it was a miracle in my eyes. I woke up three days later and was bleeding and cramping as if I had started my period but instead I had a miscarriage. I know it seems terrible but it is such a relief that I do not have to deal with the consequences. So after all of this happened, my mom called me and asked me how I was doing and this was the first time the I decided to not lie to her. I needed someone to lean on. Someone I could talk to and since when I was in that relationship, I wasn’t allowed to have friends therefore I had no one. As I was talking to my mother I opened up about cutting myself and that I was having thoughts of ending my life all together. I was so over feeling that unhappy and that scared my mom halfway to China, if ya’ll know that I mean. She planned a flight to come up here and got me so serious help. I was hospitalized for about a day and was heavily sedated for 4 days after being released back home. After awhile, the pain subsided and I felt a little better and then that is when one of my best friends came into my life. I had never felt close with anyone at work until I met my little nigh lemur. I thought that I wouldn’t meet people that I could be my true self around and that changed the day that the “new girl” was watching videos in the back room.

Since I cut myself, I have grown as a person and as a friend. I now know that being in an abusive relationship takes a toll on people physically and mentally and even if the person refuses to accept it, they still need to be told, they will thank you in the long run. Also, if you see any sudden changes in behavior in a friend, reach out to them because you could be saving a life by lending an ear.